


The Heist

by TDKeh16



Series: Tumblr Fics and Prompts [3]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Bitty doesn't understand how locksmiths work apparently, Bitty's sass, Crack Fic, Heist, I put relationship tags but there isn't really any romance in this, Jack's ass, Jokes about Canada, M/M, Pancakes, but so much fun, gratuitous pancake consumption, i did way too much math for this lol, it's mostly silliness, maple syrup, overly complicated heist plots, ridiculous code names, this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-09 10:45:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7798717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TDKeh16/pseuds/TDKeh16
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bitty uncovers the details of an elaborate (and successful) heist while searching for the missing key to the Haus basement.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I started writing this a week or so ago and then there actually was another big syrup theft a couple days later. Why? Because I have no luck and my country is ridiculous sometimes. (Also maple syrup is crazy expensive compared to something like oil in the same quantity.) Anyway, this is a fictional story. Any similarities to real recent events is purely coincidental.

Bitty was suspicious. 

The basement key had gone missing sometime during summer break, and nobody seemed to recall who had it last. Jack thought Shitty had it. Shitty swore he gave it to Lardo so she could put some of her extra stuff down there after moving into the Haus. Lardo said that she had been too busy on graduation day with the Knights, and had only gotten as far as moving her stuff into her new bedroom. Chowder had an early flight, so he too only had time to move boxes into Jack's old bedroom, and swore that he had never even seen the basement key.

The Haus was a little more cramped than it should be, and the small storage closets were now crammed with excess belonging. Still, the key was nowhere to be found. The weeks wore on.

"This is getting ridiculous," Bitty huffed as he made pancakes for breakfast one morning. "Something fell over in the storage closet in the middle of the night and I _nearly_ had a heart attack. It's stuffed to the gills -- we _need_ to find that basement key."

Ransom and Holster exchanged looks. Holster shrugged. "Don't know what to tell ya, Bitty. We've searched everywhere."

"Well then maybe it's time we call a locksmith."

"Oh, well, _if only_ it were that easy," Ransom said with an exaggerated sigh. "But these old Haus locks -- they require special equipment."

Bitty flipped the pancake into the air and caught it perfectly back in his pan. "This one's ready. First pancake goes to whoever gives me a solution to our basement problem."

"I'll call a locksmith!" Ransom shouted. Bitty gave him a quizzical look at his outburst. "I know _one_ place that might be able to do it. Johnson called them when he locked himself out during our frog year. _Maybe_ they'll still be properly equipped."

Holster frowned as Bitty awarded Ransom the coveted pancake. "Bro, not cool..."

"Can't talk. Pancakes." Ransom got up to grab the maple syrup from the fridge, and when he returned there was a visible bite missing from his pancake. "Bro, what the hell?!"

The two seniors started to bicker, which turned into wrestling. Bitty hurried to flop the next pancake directly onto Holster's plate. "Ah-ah-ah! Rans gets to take a bit first. It's only fair."

Ransom took the largest bite he could and grinned triumphantly with his mouthful. He opened his mouth wide and poured some syrup directly inside. Bitty cringed. Lardo cackled.

"Gross, brah. Epic."

"I'm revoking first pancake privileges from you for a month. I don't care if you win every weekly challenge."

Lardo got the next pancake and Chowder let out an impatient whimper. "Sorry, Chowder. Next one is coming _right_  up, I promise," Bitty assured him.

"Can't be helped," Lardo said with a shrug. "A girl's gotta eat. Nobody likes a starving artist."

Bitty quickly finished up the batch of pancakes now that the pan was thoroughly heated, making sure the Chowder got his starter pancake before he withered away. "Can one of y'all explain why we have three other bottles of syrup in the fridge?"

"There was a sale," Holster offered.

"I've never even seen syrup in those kinds of bottles before. And this tastes like the 'real' syrup like Jack brought back from Montréal."

"It was a sale in Canada. My mom sent it down," Ransom explained.

"It's all in differently shaped bottles..."

"Bought it in bulk. We just refilled empty bottles."

"Thanks for breakfast, Bitty!!!"

"You're very welcome, Chowder dear."

"Pet name! Put your money in the Sin Bin!" Holster slapped a hand down on the table. 

Bitty shook his head. "We all know that doesn't apply to me. I put enough of my own money into my baking, I'm exempt from the pie fund."

"But!"

"Holster, _darling_ , do you really want to finish that sentence? I've already revoked Ransom's first pancake privileges, I can revoke _your_ pie privileges as well."

"I'll behave."

"Good boy."

"But hey, how do you know what kind of syrup Jack brought back from Montréal this summer? He doesn't even live here anymore."

Bitty grew flustered. "That's- He- Because I- He always- No pie for you! Three days!"

******

"It's going to drive me insane. Ransom says he knows a locksmith that might be able to help, but it's going to take at least a month for them to order in some special antique tools required for these old Haus locks," Bitty explained to Jack over Skype that evening. "And I _know_  these old keys are _gorgeous_  but maybe it's time we get the locks changed to something more modern."

"A locksmith, eh? Well, I'm sure the time will fly by, Bits."

"I hope so. The fridge is getting so crowded now that the beer has to be kept there too. I barely have any room for my butter now, only the bottom two shelves!" Bitty's complaint made Jack chuckle. "Oh! And you won't _believe_  what is taking up the rest of the room in there -- _**four**_  bottles of maple syrup! The 'real' stuff, like you use."

"You should use it up in all of your baking and then send it to me." Jack was 100% serious. He did not joke about maple syrup.

"I just might!"

"I only have half a bottle left. Too bad I didn't buy more before the prices went up."

"The prices went up?"

"Yeah, there was a big theft from the maple syrup reserve in Québec. The cost has gone up to make up for the stolen supply."

"Ransom and Holster said there was a big sale."

Jack shook his head. "The complete opposite. Here, I'll send you an article about it. Uh... Hm. Why isn't it sending?"

Bitty watched Jack fumble with his cell phone over Skype. This was bad, even for Jack. "Just copy and paste the link into a text. It's simple, sweetheart."

"My phone isn't letting me."

"What?" Bitty laughed. He pulled out his own phone and waited for Jack's text to come through. Surely Jack was joking.

"I'll just tell you the address. Type in: HTTP-colon-forward slash-forward slash-WWW-dot-CBC-dot-CA-forward slash-NEWS-forward slash-QUEBEC-forward slash-SYRUP-dash-HEIST-forward slash-967421-- Are you getting all this?" Jack paused.

"Yeah honey, absolutely."

"Okay, so _\--421_ -dot-9B385-- Are you really getting this? Your thumbs don't appear to be typing and your eyes have glazed over like they do when you're on Pinterest."

"That's fascinating, baby. Really incredible. You're so smart _and_ handsome, darling..."

" _Bittle_..." Jack started. He gave a sharp whistle when Bity did not respond, which finally jolted him back into their conversation. "You weren't listening."

"I was!" Bitty insisted, although it was an obvious lie. "Oh! I think I typed something wrong along the way, sweetheart. It doesn't seem to be working for me. How about you tell me the article name and I google it?"

Jack smirked, he knew full well that his boyfriend was lying. "It's called 'second major maple syrup heist uncovered' and it's on CBC. It's-"

"Oh! Got it!" Bitty turned his phone towards his laptop camera so that Jack could see it as proof. "I'll read it before bed tonight. It's sure to put me _right_  to sleep," Bitty said with a wink.

Jack laughed. "It's really fascinating. They did an audit of the stockpile at the beginning of the summer and the levels were normal, but suddenly in September when they did the next check, multiple barrels were depleted. It looks like a inside job, possibly some summer workers, or just set up to look that way."

"Oh, baby, we have very different definitions of the word 'fascinating' I think. You have to stop, I don't want to fall asleep quite yet," Bitty teased and stifled a fake yawn, which turned into a real yawn. "You still haven't told me about your day. How was practice? Did you eat the lunch I left in your fridge?"

******

Another week had passed without access to the basement. Bitty walked past the basement door on his way back from the bathroom and frowned as he entered the kitchen. "When did you say that locksmith was coming?" He asked Ransom.

"Oh, uh, like a month from now."

"You said that a week ago."

"Then like, three weeks... ish?" Ransom was distracted by something by the stove. "Um, Bits?" He nodded his head towards where Chowder was attempting to pour pancake batter into a piping bag. 

"Oh, lord." Bitty sighed and hurried over to supervise. Chowder had watched some tutorials on YouTube about making emoji pancakes and insisted that he try it out during their next Haus pancake breakfast. Pancake breakfasts had become a weekly event in the month and a half since classes had resumed.

Despite the messy start, Chowder did manage a successful, albeit malformed, smiley-face pancake. He slid it onto Bitty's plate with a proud grin. "Bitty gets the first pancake because he's always making them for everyone else!" He declared.

"Thank you, Chowder." Bitty smiled at him and smoothed a small pad of butter around on top of it until it melted, then grabbed the syrup bottle. It reminded him of his conversation with Jack the week before. "Oh! Did y'all know that there was a big syrup theft in Canada this summer?"

"Yeah it was all over the news in September."

"I didn't hear anything about it."

"Were you watching Canadian news?"

"No."

"That'd be why." Ransom chuckled.

Holster scoffed a laugh. "Canadian news. _Of course_ they would plaster a syrup story all over the news. What else do they have to report 'aboot'?"

"Bro, seriously? When have you ever heard me say the word 'aboot' ever?"

"Just now?"

"Doesn't count."

"Whatever, all I'm saying is that in New York, we have real news stories, about actual murders and stuff."

"Dude, you live in Buffalo. You can't vaguely say 'New York' like the entire state shares the rep of New York City."

Lardo shook her head and turned to Bitty as Chowder slid the second pancake onto her plate. "That's crazy about that syrup thing, though. Thanks, Chow."

"No problem, bathroomie." Lardo gave him a confused look. "Because we're roommates and we share a bathroom??"

"Ah."

Bitty continued on with the syrup heist topic as he carefully carved up the smiley face on his plate. "Apparently it's not even the first time something like this has happened? Last time someone stole _**$18 million**_ worth of syrup! This time was less than $1 million, but that's still a lot of syrup."

Lardo cackled. "What would you even do with that much?"

"Black market, probably." Holster shrugged. "Or pancakes."

"That's a lot of pancakes!!!" Chowder added from his spot in front of the stove. 

"Stealing syrup is so random, though. Who would do that? Especially a second time?" Bitty wondered.

Ransom shrugged. "It's a tale as old as time..."

"Yeah. I bet it was just a steel-town girl on a Saturday night," Holster added.

"Yup. Just looking for the time of her life."

"But, she don't have to put on that red light, you know?"

"Okay you're _clearly_ just saying song lyrics," Bitty pointed out.

"Damn. That game was so much easier when Jack was around." Ransom said with a small pout.

Chowder brought the next pancake over, which was actually two joined together, meant for Ransom and Holster to share. "This was supposed to be two kissy-faces because you were arguing but they sort of smushed together," he explained.

"Hah! Chowder made a butt pancake!" Holster laughed and Ransom took a picture of it with his phone.

"They're kissy-faces!!!"

"Looks like a big round butt, brah." Lardo teased.

"We should call this a Zimmermann pancake! Right, Bits?" Ransom asked him.

"Why are you asking _me?!_ "

"Just, you know, 'cuz squats and stuff. Booty goals."

Bitty tried to play it off casually, despite his burning red cheeks. "Oh, right..."

Holster looked down at his plate at the two conjoined pancakes flopping over either edge. "Chowder, bro, how do you want us to eat this? Can we just cut it in half or do you want us to share a plate?"

Ransom suggested a solution before Chowder could reply. "Bro, 'Lady and the Tramp' style?"

Holster's eyes lit up. "Oh god, totally!"

Bitty cringed as he watched them eat straight through until their lips met, holding either side with their hands and then dividing up the remaining pieces onto their individual plates. Two full years after meeting them, and one full year of living together, and Bitty still had no idea how to classify Ransom and Holster's relationship. They had gone from arguing about Canada one minute back to best friends forever the very next minute. And didn't they technically kiss just then? Bitty had not imagined that, he was sure.

He was distracted by the pool of syrup on Ransom's plate. "We should try to conserve how much syrup we use, you know? We've gone through an entire bottle since last week."

"Don't worry, we'll get more before we run out."

"But, apparently the prices have gone up since that theft."

"It's not a problem, Bits. Really."

Bitty frowned slightly. His Hausmates were acting strangely, even by Ransom and Holster standards. "Still... Did you know they stole over _**15 thousand gallons**_ of maple syrup? Who would ever want that much?" Despite his teasing Jack the week before, Bitty had to admit, it was pretty fascinating.

Holster scoffed. "It was probably Jack."

"Definitely Jack. The man loves maple," Ransom concluded. "Oh, hey, and he was up in Montréal for part of the summer, too."

"Proximity to the crime, bro!"

"Bro!"

Bitty laughed at the ridiculous suggestion. "There's no way Jack would do something like that!"

"True. Jack could never pull off a plot that sophisticated, the man's head is too full of hockey. No room to worry about a syrup heist," Lardo reasoned. "This was the act of some kind of criminal mastermind."

"Or two!" Chowder sat down at the table with the rest of the pancakes and beamed a big proud smile as everyone dug in for their second round.

It became a running joke within the Haus that Jack was the one responsible for the heist, and the fact that he was secretly hoarding 15 thousand gallons of syrup in his Providence apartment was the reason he had not invited his Samwell friends over to visit yet. Bitty, of course, knew that was false. He had been to Jack's apartment plenty of times already. He had spent nearly a week there in August between leaving Georgia and arriving at Samwell.

But all joking ended two weeks later when Bitty caught Ransom sneaking up from the basement in the middle of the night with the key in his hand...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up next: The thrilling conclusion!!! Ridiculous code names and over-complicated heist plans await!  
> Since this was initially planned for tumblr, I had to break it into two reasonably-sized parts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: maple syrup costs somewhere around $40/gallon. Oil is like $3/gallon or something. Syrup is crazy expensive. That's why people keep stealing it lol

It was nearly 4:00am on a Sunday when it happened.

Bitty was headed to the kitchen for a glass of water when he heard a sound in the downstairs hall. He jumped and turned on the light to see the intruder. To his relief, it was not an intruder, but Ransom. To his great _confusion_ , Ransom was coming up from the basement with the presumably _lost key_ in his hand. 

"Oh thank god! I thought-- Wait!" It took a moment for his drowsy brain to piece together what he was seeing. "The locksmith came?!"

Ransom looked at him like a deer caught in headlights. "I, uh... This is all a dream~!" He wiggled his fingers, but in the process, exposed that he was holding the key.

Bitty was now wide awake. "You have no idea how happy I am that it's finally unlocked! I've been dying to try this old recipe, but it's in one of my extra boxes downstairs." He hurried down the hall towards Ransom and the door. 

"Wait, Bits! Don't!" Bitty was squeezing past him before Ransom even managed to say the words. "Shit!" He grabbed his cell phone and quickly made a call. "This is Coral Reef. Code red! Tiny Dancer is in the golden-- or is it the liquid-- Fuck! It's too early! Whatever the code name is for the syrup! Tiny Dancer is in the damn basement, hurry up!" He hung up and chased Bitty down the stairs.

"What on Earth...?" Bitty looked around the basement in awe. It was crowded with kegs stacked about four feet high. There was a small path to the fridge, and that was it. "Ransom, what--" A gag was stuffed in Bitty's mouth and the room went dark as a pillowcase was pulled down over his head and four strong hands lifted him up off the ground. Bitty squirmed but was unable to break free as he was carried up one, two, no _three_  flights of stairs.

His hands were bound behind his back with something soft. "The fuzzy handcuffs, bro? Really?"

"Well, what else was I supposed to use? Didn't have a lot of time to work with," a voice that was unmistakably Holster's grumbled.

"Fine, but if he _breaks_ them..."

"Then we buy a new set. Just think how much fun we'll have breaking them in..."

"Dude, we didn't plug his _ears_."

"Fuck. Ignore all that, Bits."

Bitty squirmed to no avail and let out an angry, albeit muffled, shout. It was warm trapped under the pillowcase. He faintly heard a door close and someone say, "You should take that off him," over the sounds of his shuffling and moans of frustration.

"Okay, Bitty. Just relax. We're not going to hurt you, okay?" Holster whispered, which was more of a stage whisper than anything when Holster was involved. Everything the man did was just plain loud.

Bitty stilled as he heard Holster approach, and reminded himself that these were his friends. Ransom and Holster. Justin and Adam. They would never hurt him. Then again, he never would have pegged them for stealing over 15 thousand gallons of maple syrup either, but the scent in the basement left no doubt in Bitty's mind as to what was being hidden in those kegs.

Bitty winced when the pillowcase was removed and he found himself facing the light of Ransom's desk lamp pointed directed at him. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Shit. I knew that was gonna be too bright. One sec." The lamp was pointed slightly off-centre, enough to partially obscure Bitty's vision without completely blinding him in the moment. "Better? Okay, we're going to remove your gag, please don't scream. Promise?" Holster approached again when Bitty nodded.

Bitty kept his promise not to scream, but nobody said he could not kick Holster in the shin for kidnapping him. Bitty kicked another leg at Ransom, who evaded with a hop backwards. "How _dare_ you?!"

"We panicked!"

"So you shoved a pair of socks in my mouth and a dragged me up here in the dark?!" Bitty whisper-shouted. "Thank goodness they were at least clean!"

"Of course they're clean, Bits." Ransom sighed. "We're not trying to like, torture you or something. We just didn't want you screaming in the middle of the night and someone calling the cops."

"I don't understand..."

"We pulled off the perfect crime, Bitty. And you can never tell anyone, okay? Promise?"

"Bits, please."

"So..." Bitty's brow furrowed. "You've had the basement key this _entire_  time?" Ransom and Holster blinked simultaneously in confusion. Bitty knew it was a small detail to focus on, but one step at a time.

"Yeah, but we kept it in a safe hiding place where nobody would ever look."

"This attic?"

"Hell no. Under that nasty jock strap in the corner of the showers at Faber. Nobody's touching that thing, not even the cleaning staff," Holster explained. "Is that seriously all you're going to ask? This plan was nearly a year in the making -- we have fake identities! We drastically altered out appearances!  I learned how to speak French in a _heavy_  German accent!"

"Yeah, bro. It was crazy. He wore brown contacts and a prosthetic nose, and we took advantage of his uncanny ability to grow a beard, so like, even if he shaved on the weekend it would grow back before work again on Monday night. So when we had enough ready to go, we'd load the syrup kegs into a U-haul and drive down as actual us pretending to be moving some of my stuff down before the new school year. We'd purposely drive through Toronto on our way so that it looked like that was where we were originating from."

"Yeah, and Rans wore this fake scar on his cheek and this comb-in temporary hair dye that made him look like he was already going grey. And we had lifts in our shoes so even if the authorities suspected us, they'd be looking for middle-aged guys a few inches taller with thick accents and scars. It's genius."

"But why?"

"Med school is expensive, Bits."

"Yeah, and I want to buy a house," Holster added. "Those things cost money, bro."

"You faked entirely new identities so that you could get jobs at a syrup factory? How?"

"Well, it was a storage facility, for one. And we weren't the ones who handled the technical details. We were mostly just the muscle. The _real_ criminal genius who hacked into the computer systems to create fake records deserves credit here," Ransom said as he turned to his desk chair, and spun it around to reveal that someone else was in the room. "Sweet sunshine goalie Chowder is Keyser-motherfucking-Söze! He handled all the details."

"Hi Bitty!!!" Chowder smiled and waved, his other hand holding his laptop.

" _Chowder?!_ "

"Yeah bro, he planned like, _everything_. He even hacked the security company to have the cameras shut off for ten minutes every night without anybody noticing."

"But..." Bitty was having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that his sweet goalie child had planned an elaborate international crime. Even more difficult to understand was why, and how they were able to afford all of the required supplies. He decided that would be his next area of questioning. "How can you afford to do this in the first place? All the disguises and transportation? All those kegs?"

"We've been saving most the kegs over the past year, and collected others from up and down frat row. We had someone handy convert them to be able to store the syrup. We'd bring the filled ones down, and the empty ones back with us to Canada. The rest were bought by our wealthy benefactor."

"Who was that?"

Chowder turned his laptop around to reveal their benefactor waiting on Skype. "Hi, Bits." Jack smiled.

"Jack?! But you're a millionaire! You don't need the money!" Bitty was not sure why this caused the rest of the room and Jack to laugh, but it did.

Jack nodded. "I'm rich in many ways -- money, family, friendship, _love_  -- but I was lacking that final key to unlocking true happiness..."

"Power?"

"Syrup." Jack said entirely serious. "Think of all the recipes you can make, Bits."

"But you-- Wait. _What??_ " Bitty's nose crinkled. "Back up, I think I missed a step here..."

" _Obviously_ we're going to eat it, Bitty. What did you think we were doing with it?"

" _ **Selling**_ it!"

Holster laughed. Why would we do that?"

"Yeah, that just means less for us. Not cool." Ransom shook his head. "We're already splitting it eight ways -- or I guess _nine_  now, if you know."

Chowder nodded his head. "Hush syrup."

"But you said you needed the money for med school! And a house!" Bitty insisted. Wouldn't they have to see it to make any money?

"Yeah, and Jack paid us. All of us."

"So when you say ' _all_ '..."

Ransom was the first to speak. "Okay, so you know we were the ones to get summer jobs at the warehouse," he said as he motioned between himself and Holster. "Holster's code name was Siren."

"Because I can seduce men with song!" Holster wiggles his eyebrows.

"No, because you're fucking loud."

" _It worked on **you**..._ " Holster muttered under his breath. "Rans was Coral Reef."

"Your code name was Tiny Dancer," Ransom told Bitty.

Bitty gasped. "What?! I wasn't even a part of this!"

"Yeah, but we talk about you all the time."

"Aww, you do?" Bitty smiled. That was kind of sweet, right?

"Yeah. Like, 'I can't believe Tiny Dancer is secretly wheeling Adonis' and stuff."

Bitty's smile faded into a frown. "And I'm guessing Adonis is the code name for Jack?"

"Close. Adonis is the code name for Jack's _ass_."

"Yeah. Jack doesn't get a code name 'cuz he's lame." Holster grinned.

He looked at horror at Jack on the skype screen, but he seemed unconcerned. That's okay, Bitty would be concerned enough for them both. "But what if someone figured him out?! If you keep saying his name--"

Ransom shrugged. "It hasn't been an issue so far."

"Mostly we just talk about his ass," Holster admitted shamelessly. "Anyway, we already told you about Chowder, his nickname was Keyser Söze. You know, the criminal mastermind that nobody would ever expect? Perfect right?"

Bitty did not know what movie Holster was talking about, but he nodded his head in agreement. "Who else helped you?"

"Lardo was Silent But Deadly."

A cackled laugh came from the bunk above Bitty and he flinched. Lardo poked her head over the end of the bed. "Hey Bitty, I'm here too."

"Et tu, Lardo?"

"Chyeah, brah. Who doesn't love pancakes?"

"Lardo kept our cells at the Haus and posted a bunch of strategically taken selfies that looked like we were here all summer doing groundskeeping for the golf course again. We used burners instead."

"Dex and Nursey worked on the grounds this year. They handled the kegs and Dex did some backup technical stuff too. Their code names were Crimson and Clover."

"So... You stole 15 thousand gallons of syrup _because_..."

"We like syrup, Bitty. Also, it was actually closer to like, 17.9 thousand gallons in total. Did you realize we could go through a gallon of syrup per day and still have it last for almost 50 years?" Holster asked. "I mean, we're splitting it nine ways though, so it wouldn't last that long anyway, but still."

Bitty counted off silently in his head. They kept saying nine people, including Bitty, but he was only counting eight. He discreetly tallied them up on his fingers behind his back. Ransom, Holster, Chowder, Jack, Lardo, Nursey, Dex, and himself. That was only eight people. "What did Shitty do?"

His friends laughed. "No, no, no. Shitty can _never_ know about this." Lardo shook her head. "The dude _**cannot**_ keep his mouth shut."

Bitty was shocked that Shitty was not somehow involved in this, but it was a bit of a relief to know he was not the only person kept in the dark about this year-long plot. He tuned back in as Ransom continued the explanation.

"Yeah, maybe if he was already a full-fledged lawyer or something, but a first year law student? Not gonna do us any good if we get caught, and he's not even bound by that lawyer-client privilege stuff."

"Besides," Holster continued. "We needed someone to help us get through the border all those times without getting caught."

Bitty tried to think of who else they could have gotten to participate. The plan was in motion for nearly a year, so the tadpoles were out of the question. Who else did his friends trust enough? "... _Ollie?_ "

They laughed again. This time Jack was the one to speak. "Johnson works at the border now. I thought you knew that, Bits."

"No, I certainly did not!"

"You're not going to tell on us, are you Bitty?? Are you mad???"

Bitty sighed. "I'm not mad, just... Disappointed," he paused, "Maybe a _little_ impressed."

"Right?!"

"But I _will_ be mad if someone does not remove these dang handcuffs immediately!"

Ransom and Holster exchanged nervous looks. "Handcuffs?!" Jack shouted on skype.

Holster waved his hands wildly. "Hey, everybody! Look at me talking! How about you all look at me for a few seconds and definitely do _not_ look at the drawer that Rans is going in right now. Sound like a plan?"

"Got it!" Ransom grabbed the key and quickly slammed the drawer shut. "Sorry about that, Bits." He unlocked them and Bitty pulled his hand away from his back to reveal the fuzzy red handcuffs still hanging off one wrist. Ransom finished removing them and stuffed them back in the secret drawer.

"They're red?" Bitty had only ever heard of fuzzy handcuffs being pink.

"Yeah, cuz, y'know... _Samwell_..." Ransom said sheepishly. Of course Ransom would purposely choose a sex toy that matched his school colours. He had Samwell _everything_.

"Are you hurt, Bits?" Jack asked on the screen.

"No, they were... _comfortable_." Bitty cleared his throat. "Well, I'm going to _finally_ get that glass of water I was aiming for. Jack, honey, I'm going to skype you in exactly three minutes. Be ready." Jack chuckled and ended the session on Chowder's laptop without another word. "Good night, y'all. We'll talk about this some more over breakfast... _Late_  breakfast."

"Pancake breakfast?" Chowder dared to ask.

"Well, it _is_  Sunday, isn't it?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, I lost all confidence with this fic at the end.   
> I spent so much time researching the details of this, it's crazy. Assuming the Haus is about 1500 square feet (750/floor) and allowing for random things taking up space in the basement -- stairs, fridge, water heater, etc. -- you could definitely fit 17+ thousand gallons of syrup down there. It would be about 1000 kegs, but totally doable if you stack them two or three high.  
> Fun fact: a gallon of syrup weighs 11 lbs (and syrup is measured in lbs because of course it would be extra confusing lol) I did so many conversions, you guys.


End file.
